A Year in Review

Josie and I almost a year ago

Josie and I almost a year later (look how longer her hair got!)

When I think back to this time last year, I cannot believe how far I've come.

Thinking about where I was a year ago, makes me sick to my stomach. I was in the tail end of an abusive relationship. I remember visiting him over Winter Break last year. I brought my computer and as he was helping me unload my car he dropped my computer. I got upset and he told me to go the fuck home if I was going to be like that. That pretty much sums up how things went, he made me feel bad for everything that happened. No matter what. I have spent countless nights laying awake wondering why I put up it for so long.

He ended things. This is another thing that irks me. He ended it, I couldn't even do it. How lame is that? He ended it because I didn't want to have sex with him. He said, "I've had a long day, all I want to do is come home and have sex with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?" When I told him I wanted to just go to sleep, he said, "Well, I think we should break up" and rolled over to go to sleep. I started to cry and asked him if he was serious. He said yes and to stop crying. I asked him to talk to me, tell me why and he said if I didn't leave that he would call the RA on duty and have me kicked out.

I walked out and never looked back. Consequently, I also never dealt with what I went through.

Looking back now, although I have many regrets, I cannot change anything and I don't think I would if I could.  I learned a lot about myself and the amazing people I have in my life.

The rest of spring semester went by in a blur. I was putting the pieces of my life back together. Figuring out what I wanted and not what others wanted from me. It was a time of self reflection and growth. I came out happier than I had been in a long time. I made the decision to study abroad for a semester instead of just a summer. I've always wanted to go for at least a semester but he didn't want to go for an entire semester and the sad thing is, I almost gave that up for him. That's crazy. I learned that I never want to do that again. Under no circumstances should I give up my dreams for another.

Josie and I grew a lot closer over second semester. That was mainly due to the fact that I was around more.

Summer came and it was great to be home. I worked a ton and hung out with a lot of friends. I was feeling pretty numb though. I never was unhappy, I never felt sad really but I also never truly felt happy. Now, I realize this is because I shut down after what happened with Jake. I closed off so I wouldn't feel the hurt and pain of what happened but because of that I made it so I couldn't feel any extreme emotion, like happiness.

I did some pretty stupid stuff over the summer. I didn't care about much so it didn't bother me. I can't change what happened but I can change how I will deal with this stuff in the future.

Money was a big stresser this summer. I had great support from my amazing friends.

Fall semester started and it was great to catch up with Josie. I missed her so much!

Things started off to a good and busy start and then only got better and busier. The girls on my floor turned out to be awesome. I was so worried about whether or not our floor would have the same sense of community as ours did last year and to my pleasant surprise, I was just as good, maybe even better. RHA turned out to be better than I expected, the exec board is awesome.  I made some great new friends that I never expected.

I got some new jobs, some I loved and some I hated.

One particular job led to one of my favorite things from this year. I worked the security desk at Governors and that is where I met Malcolm for the first time. There is so much I could say about Malcolm and how he made an amazing impact on my life. Most of what I want to say about it is already on this blog somewhere but I do want to say in relation to earlier this year that Malcolm got me out of my numbness. He also showed me what it means to be treated correctly by someone. I worry that I will never find someone as great as him but I know that I won't settle for anything less. Even it means ending up alone.

The year started out rocky but ended better than I could have ever imagined.

I had one of best birthdays of my life, thanks to my friends and to Malcolm.

I had the hardest living goodbye.

I cried more this year than I have in ages

I made friendships that I hope will last a life time

I struggled and I triumphed

I learned an astounding amount about myself

I was shown more support from my family and friends than I knew how to reciprocate

That is the main thing I learned this year. That I have some pretty amazing friends. I am so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life. I would not be where I am without them.

There are a lot of things up in the air right now with my life. So many unknowns and uncertainties. I am going to spend 6 months in another country. I am going to decide whether or not I want to graduate in 3 years. I need to deal with my feelings with Malcolm and hopefully come to a comfortable spot with him. I am equal parts nervous and excited for what 2014 has in store but ready or not, here I come.

Head vs Heart

The most complicated situations occur when feelings and logic are suggesting two opposing solutions to the same problem.
- Malcolm Farrell - Mitchell

A battle between my head and my heart has never really been a battle at all.
My heart is like Muhammad Ali and my head is some kid off the streets.
It was never even a contest. My head had no chance.

This time is different. This time my heart can't win and I don't know how to deal with that. I don't want to and I don't know how to just give up. I keep clinging to this desperate hope that it will work out. That it is meant to be and we'll figure it out. But I can't keep kidding myself. He's in AUSTRALIA. Even if I could spend a year there, it is only a year. Then we were are stuck in the same spot we are now.

I get to this part of the logic, and I agree, and I think I'm okay and know what I need to do. And then I saw this quote:

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don’t know what a love like Juliet’s feels like: love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for, but I’d like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I’d have the courage to seize it.

What if this is it? I don't want to be irrational, I've only known him for 4 months but I don't want to be stupid and let something so amazing slip away.

Thus the battle continues..

He deserves to move on and I should give that to him.

If it is truly meant to be, I will just have to hope and pray whatever force brought us together in the first place will eventually reunite us.

I am giving up on foolish hopefulness.

So, for the first time, I submit. I submit to logic and to reason.

Round over.

Thankfulness Week 4.0

1. Apple Cinnamon Cinnamon Rolls
2. Wrapping presents with Katie and Steph
3. Lunch with J.Curly
4. Talle
5. Ben
6. Dan
7. Bennett
8. Lynsey
9. Family
10. Malcolm
11. Josie
12. Josie and Luke ;)
13. Christmas
14. Gift giving
15. Cookie plates
16. Visiting with Granddad and Connie
17. Staying late on Christmas Eve to talk to Grandma and Grandpa
18. Moving back safely
19. Generosity
20. Card games
21. Doing things as a family
22. Not having to work
23. Road trips with friends
24. Having a bucket list that inspires me to do things

Casino Night

Monday night Talle, Ben, and I loaded up in the Focus and headed to Red Wing to go to the casino. It was a 2 hour car ride filled with many laughs. We arrived around 5 and used valet parking (Talle's demand). We spent the next 3 and half hours trying our luck at various games. None of us came out successful (I lost $25) but it was still a blast. I won't go into much detail about the actual casino because reflecting back, that wasn't even the important piece. Sure, I am happy I went, happy I experienced it but more importantly, I was happy to be there with friends.

It was great just to hang out with them doing something different. I am truly blessed to have such great guys in my life.

Generosity

I got home today and had a card in the mail. It was from my my mom's cousins from California (my 2nd cousins but I always have thought of them as my aunt and uncle). Surprised to see it was just for me and not the whole family, I opened it right away.

Enclosed I found a check written for $2,500 with a note that said, "We know paying for college is hard and we hope this can help. We know you are going to do great things in the future and can't wait to see you grow.

Speechless.

How do I tell someone how important of a gift this is? A letter seems to insignificant. A phone cal? I would trip over my words, and end it not feeling satisfied. What if they don't know how much this means to me?

This is not the first time I've been on the receiving end of mind blowing generosity.

Once, an anonymous donor paid for me to attend a mission trip in Montana.
A stranger bought me dinner after my basketball tournament when she saw I was alone and had no money.
A guy in a restaurant heard it was my birthday and bought my whole group of friend's meal.
My friend drove 2 hours with me when looking at a vehicle to make sure I wasn't getting ripped off.

Time and time again I am shown generosity beyond comprehension.

It leaves me feeling grateful, overwhelmed, awe inspired, a little uncomfortable and sort of confused.

Why me? I am not deserving of such kindness. Someone else could make such better use of these unbelievable gifts. However, I will continue to push myself so that they do not go wasted. Every time I feel like giving up or that it is not worth it, I remember people like my cousins, who believe in me so much that they want to help out in the most generous way possible.

I just.... I don't know. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with the words I put down when trying to describe this feeling of immense gratitude I have right now.

I guess I'll just end with a simple, insignificant, unsophisticated two words that do not do the situation justice but it's all I have.

To all the people in my life who have shown me unconditional generosity:

Thank you.

My Faith (sort of) Restored in Faith

I went to church today at my home church. I had forgotten what it was like to walk into a place of God and fell truly welcomed and loved.

We arrived 10 minutes before service started and were late to sitting down because we were too busy saying hellos to all of the people in the lobby. The service began as normal and the sermon started. It was titled, "Being Alone on Christmas" and was all about feeling alone (which you probably could have inferred). Pastor Bruce went on to talk about the importance of the church family. He described how we need to come together to support each other and love them no matter what they are going through. The words were hitting a place so close to home. I have not felt a part of a faith family since I left home. I have not felt welcomed or loved by my faith community at school. This has made me feel distance from God because I've never had to go in it alone. My church at home is all the things I was craving at school; a fun, caring, supportive, loving environment to grow in faith. You have questions/doubts/worries? Good, lets talk about them. Let's work them out together.

After the service was over, it took us 25 minutes to leave. So many people were coming over to me to welcome me home for the holidays. It made me feel so incredibly loved and happy to be there. I cannot wait to go back next week. I haven't been excited about attending a religious function in months.

So I can't say I'm healed. I can't say all my doubts from earlier are gone. I am still in the worst spot spiritually I have ever been but it is a step in the right direction.

Thank you OUMC. Thank you for giving me the spark I needed to try and figure things out.

Witnessing a Miracle

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”

I have been stewing over those post for a while. I don't know if I will ever be able to put into words what I am thinking and feeling.

In a short period of time, this is the man who changed my life forever. I don't know how to put it into words without ruining it so if you want to know more, just ask.

Thankfulness Week 3.0

1. Dinner and Tonic - Sol - Fa with Auntie Carrie
2. Breakfast with Josie and Abby
3. Dinner with Samuel, Maria and Josie
4. LLC Reunion dinner
5. "Face to face" with my parents
6. Secret Santa
7. School almost being over

This week, I was reminded what amazing people I have in my life and how blessed I am to be loved so much.

Saying Goodbye

"Hey, you're okay. You'll be fine. Just breathe" he sang, soothingly.

"How much time left?" she asked, panic rising in her chest, hoping it wouldn't show on her tear streaked face.

Knowing her obsession with counting down, he looked at her lovingly and replied, "Don't worry, I'll tell you when it's time."

He generously watched the clock so she didn't have to, he was strong when she couldn't be.

They continued to reminisce, recounting times so wonderful, they had to smile.

The airport was bustling with people but she felt like they were the only ones there. She was so completely absorbed with him, lost in the moment and not wanting it to end. But it had to. Everything ends.

After pulling out his phone, he looked up at her, "It's time."

She started sobbing, shaking her head. "It can't be. I'm not ready yet!" she screamed in her head. Her thoughts were racing, she wasn't ready to go, it couldn't be time yet. He quickly reassured her, "It's okay. We just have to go to the shuttle area, we still have a little bit."

Breathe.

Just Breathe.

It'll be okay, just breathe.

With that, he grabbed her hand and led her upstairs, whispering comforts the entire time. "It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay."

She couldn't get the words out to check in, so he did it for her.

"We're leaving in 13 minutes" The driver said.

After checking into the shuttle, they headed back to the seats. This time, she curled up in his lap, wanting to feel the safety of his arms one last time.

Talk got more frantic, it was no longer memories, it was goodbyes, fleeting, trying to say everything before time ran out.

"You're an amazing person"
"You deserve the best"
"You're going to find someone amazing, and they are going to treat you way better than I ever could, and I can't wait to hear all about him/her"

"You can take that necklace off when you find someone else."

"I don't want to"

"It's okay"

"I'm going to miss you"

"You changed my life"

"Thanks for being my miracle"

Tap on the shoulder. "We're leaving"

Sobbing now.

Everything's a blur.

"Can you come outside with me?"

Wrapped in his hug.

Feeling him cry harder than ever before.

Untangling, walking away.

Did she kiss him one last time? Did she say she say "I love you" before she left?

SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER.

Looking back, his hands in his hair, his face broken.

Her fault.

Just keep walking.

Time to go.

Breathe.

Might never see him again.

Love him.

WALKING AWAY.

breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.

Out the window, he's standing, signaling one last time that he loves her.

Blowing her one last kiss, so she can have one for next time.

She sits there, weeping.

Other passengers staring.

Bus driver loading.

Driving away.

LEAVING HIM THERE.

Further away.

Further, further, further, further.

Gone.

Over.

she left him.

how...

how could she leave him...

I can't get this out of my head. All I see are these images. How could he be so strong for me? So selfish of me to not be better.braver.stronger for him. How could I walk away from him? How did I say goodbye?

Thankfulness 2.0

I wanted to write this yesterday but yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. My mind was blank, I could not think of a single positive emotion. Today has not been much better but the people around me have been so unbelievably kind, they have helped me be thankful.

1. Josie's letter
2. Michelle's hug
3. James's hug
4. Luke wrapping me in a hug
1. Even though he hates hugs
5. Notes from Dani
6. Brownies from Dani and Emily
7. Abby sitting with me in my room
8. A text from my dad, minutes after I left the airport
1. fathers who remember when their daughters are going to need them most
9. My mom calling 
10. Skipping my 8 AM
1. Sleeping in
2. Alone time to regroup before facing the day and the world
11. Lovely Facebook comments from so many people
12. Messages from Malcolm 
1. Remembering that he can/will still be a big part of my life
13. Holiday Dinner
14. The photo booth at the Holiday Dinner
1. Roomie pictures
2. Blow up Kangaroos with an Australian cape
15. Josie
1. Being able to make me laugh when I feel like crying
16. Getting packages
1. Even though they are just the Christmas presents I bought
17. My butterfly
18. My globe
19. Secret Santa's
20. My heart necklace
21. Malcolm's "trackie dacks"
22. My "I <3 you" film strip
23. Pictures in general
24. Memories
25. Malcolm

Thankfulness Week 1.3

1. Christmas shopping
2. Panera
1. Warmth
2. Cinnamon Crunch bagels
3. Memories
3. Only one car handle breaking off
4. John wooing
5. Stairwell talks
6. It's St. Nick's day today
7. Abby and her kind words
8. Caitlyn
1. Lobby talks
9. Warm, comfy clothes
10. Gameboy phone covers
11. Waking up from a bay dream and realizing it wasn't  true

Things I'm Thankful for Week 1.2

Things I'm currently thankful for:

1. Turtle flash drives
2. Not crying when I got hit in the face with a volleyball
3. Lying next to Malcolm for 15 minutes before class starts
4. RHA Execs
5. Being productive
6. Time to have lunch with James
7. This picture
1. Puns
8. Helpful people in the Financial Aid Office
9. Not having to worry about registration right now

Things I am Thankful For Week 1.1

After what happened yesterday it is hard to be in the thankful mood but now more than ever it is important for me to take time to see the positives and things that are going right and good and things I have to be thankful for.

Today I am thankful for :

1. My dad driving up to have dinner with me
2. Peace Tea
3. The weather channel
1. Discussing the weather channel with Malcolm
4. Cameras to capture memories
5. Time - no matter how much of it
6. Inside jokes
7. The beauty of snow
8. My Wellness of the Past paper
9. A boss that lets me not come into work
10. The show Survivor 
11. Crocheting 
12. Disney Movies
13. Hot Chocolate that soothes my sore throat
14. Generosity
15. Getting a nice booth in the Blugold Living Room
16. Having a roommate I can vent to and laugh with
17. Feeling like I didn't fail my Linguistics Quiz
18. Mornings I can sleep in
19. Cyber Monday where I can complete almost all of my Christmas shopping
20. Heat

Things I am Thankful for Week 1.0

In case you didn't read my last blog post, I am going to be posting at least once a week a list of things that I am currently thankful for. Read this for an explain why.


This week I am thankful for...

1. Family being all together
2. Home cooked meals
3. Moms who take care of you when you're sick
4. Being able to have Malcolm here for Thanksgiving
5. A family that welcomes everyone with open arms
6. Breaking Bad
7. Family game nights
8. Clair
9. Spending time with Steph
10. Being employed
11. Coworkers who are nice
12. A friendly work environment 
13. My CoK family
14. Snap chats
15. Mocha
16. Sleeping in
17. My bed
18. My brother being with someone who makes him so happy
19. Trampolines
1. a boyfriend who will jump on them with me even when its dark and freezing
20. Friends who help each other out
21. Laughter
22. Having so many important people in my life that I don't have time to see all of them
1. turning negatives into positive
23. Alexandra
24. Girl talk
25. My new ring
26. Black Friday shopping with Talle and Malcolm
27. Adventure
28. Waking up to hot breakfast
29. Free laundry
30. Hot cocoa
31. NyQuil
32. DayQuil 
33. Having a close relationship with Uncle Scott
34. Being able to drive
35. Moving on
36. Siblings
37. Old photographs
38. Holding Hadley
1. I could giver her back when she started crying
39. The Packers
40. Vlogbrothers

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

I have been pondering this post for quite some time not wanting to write it for fear that it would be an inadequate reflection of my appreciation for all that I have. After contemplating it more, I realized how silly that is. I shouldn't need to prove my thankfulness through words. In fact, if I have to do so, I am clearly not thankful for it because others should know, through my actions not my words, what is important to me.

What I really want/need to do more of, is taking time to see how blessed I am. Everyday there are little reminders of how lucky I am to have what I have. I think its important to remember them daily instead of once a year because it is Thanksgiving.

So going along with this post, I have decided that at least once I a week I will write a post listing things that  I am currently thankful for. I hope this will help me remember to appreciate the small things in life and also be a reminder that no matter what, I have so much to be thankful for. I also hope that this will inspire me to show my thankfulness to those that I think of each week. It is easy for their deeds to go unnoticed and unthanked but if I take the time to consciously think about all those who make my life so great, hopefully I will make the effort to let them know how much it matters to me.

Basketball

I used to play basketball. I used to love basketball. I loved the feeling of the ball in my hand. I love the quick thinking required in the middle of a game. I loved being part of a team, that I could not accomplish any of this without them. I loved that it relieved my stress, rid me of anger, and left me with happiness after I walked off the court. Although I loved all of these things, the thing I loved the most was that my dad and I finally had something to talk about. He was the best coach and he loved watching me play. My dad worked 7 days a week but he would always take off for every basketball game. It didn't matter if the game was 3 hours away, he would be there.

After being bullied and belittled by coach for my entire junior year season. I quit basketball.

I missed the game like you miss an old friend.

But what I really missed was my dad's involvement in my life.

Sorting it all Out

I am currently in Bible Study Prep. These past couple of weeks and the weeks to come have been busy and eventful. Justin gave us time to restore ourselves. He said to pray, to read, to draw, whatever we needed to find solace. Everyone immediately gravitated toward one thing; Rachel started to draw, Angela became quickly engrossed in prayer, Sam started writing a letter to God and Justin is reading the Bible. I just sat here for 10 minutes. I do not know what is restoring for me. I think this leads to a deeper problem of not knowing how to be restored in God. I feel like my once strong relationship with him has been slowly worn away to shreds.  As I sit here, I know that I am not here for a supreme being but rather I am here to fulfill and honor the commitment I made last semester.The fact that I am here is more of a testament to my character than of my faithfulness.

I do not know where I am in my walk of faith and so I've decided to use this time to start sorting it all out.

I grew up in a Christian household. My mom went to church every Sunday and made sure that we did too. My dad never attended church be he attributed this to having to work every morning (literally seven days a week). When I was younger, I dreaded the monotonous church service but the older I got, the more like it home it felt. I really found my niche when I started to attend Wednesday night LOGOS and what was later called SOAR. I found a group of friends that I enjoyed spending time with, I was learning a lot about God and myself, and I was having fun. Soon, Wednesday nights became my reprieve. My safe place, my highlight, my rock and my home. I knew that in that room, I could say whatever, be whomever and I would be loved. It didn't matter what else was going on on the outside, inside, everything was okay.  I have had a lot of inconsistencies in my life but the one thing  I could always count on was Wednesday nights at Onalaska United Methodist Church. I was lucky to find such an accepting group of people and a mentor like Andrew, Debbie, and Mark.

They taught me about the loving God who would do anything for his children. I learned that everyone is equal in the eyes of God and I can never do anything to lose his love. Females, males, heterosexual, homosexual, white, not white, even Christian and none Christians were always welcome through our doors without judgement. I was/am proud to come from a church that loves people like God calls us to.

When I came to college, I was on fire for God. I couldn't wait to join an organization on campus. I met with Cody and discussed the options. Andrew and I had countless late night religion talks. Aside from these two and a handful of others, every religious person I met turned me more and more away from God. People were using his words, using the bible as justification to hate an oppress people. I did not and do not want to be associated with this kind of unacceptable bigotry and hypocrisy. I started a long pursuit to find a group of people here who believed in God but were accepting. I was looking for a community like the one I had back home. My efforts were not successful. This made me wonder if I was the one who is wrong. If everyone else here thinks one way and I think the other, the common denominator is me, not them.  This scared me because it meant I would have to leave the one part of my life that has always been there for me.

I called my youth pastor Andrew and asked him about this. He reassured me that I was not in the wrong. This gave me the courage to try again. I agreed to be a bible study leader in hopes that I could create a study like the one I so desperately wanted when I was a freshmen.

Unfortunately, I have not been able to do so. This is for many reasons and I do not want get into them now. I wanted to talk about how not that I am a leader, these feelings of being judged have only compounded. Everywhere I go, there are fellow leaders looking on at me, and I always think, "Am I being Christian enough for them today." The answer is almost always no. A leader here is expected to be like Jesus. Sinless, whole, and good. I am none of those things. I am broken, lost, confused, questioning, sinful and bad. But God loves me anyways. That's the beauty of it. Here though, I am all those things but not supposed to talk about it. I am supposed to be the perfect little leader. Perfect follower of God. I need to have my shit together and don't I dare talk about a time when I didn't. Here the leaders are perfect. Except not really. Everyone just pretends that everyone else is okay but we are not. We aren't okay. I'd argue that it would be bad if we were. How are we supposed to lead if we don't understand what it is like to not know yourself. The more we pretend these problems don't exist, the worse off we are. As a leader, all that really changed is now, I can't talk about my struggles with faith in community. This irony? We are creating communities where people can talk about their struggles with faith.

 Do I still believe in God?

Yes.

So the real question, is am I a Christian?

I don't know anymore. I can't sift through it all because of all this fake bullshit in front of me. I do not believe in a God who is pleased with what is going on.

I believe in a God who wants me to do everything I can to take care of other people. Support them, love them, stand up for them, but not ever be above them. People should know that I am a believe based on my action not my words. I do not need to preach the gospel. I need to act in a way that people wonder, "what is different about her" and the difference is that I have God. I am not in the business of converting other people, I am in the business of loving people just as they are. Just as God does.

If that's wrong, then no, I am not a Christian.  And if a Christian is someone who condemns, judges, persecutes, and hates others, I don't want to be one anyway.

My Grandad just retired from being a pastor at the age of 80. He taught me so much about love and life and God. He taught me that God's love knows no bounds. My Grandad fought for civil rights, he was a white boy living in Oklahoma. He drove down to see Martian Luther King Jr. speak with his (black) friends. He got shot at while driving through town because he was with them. My Grandad is at the forefront of the gay rights campaign. He is the kindest, wisest, most generous person I know and he preached the word of God.

He is the kind of Christian and follower I want to be. I just don't know how to do it. How do I follow what I believe when it goes against what almost everyone else believes. But if he can do, if he can be a pastor and can do, there has to be some way I can too.

I don't know where this leaves me. Except lost.

I am grateful that I have had such strong, good role models in my faith life. I am trying not to let them be overshadowed by the multitudes of people I have met who are the opposite of them.

This blog post is all over the place but I guess so are my thoughts. I don't know where I stand on so many things. I don't know how to move forward but I guess I'll just keep taking it one day at a time.

A Birthday of Champions

This past weekend was wonderful. From the second I finished class on Friday to the second I fell asleep on Sunday, I was happy. As I type it, that term seems small and insignificant. Being happy for a whole weekend shouldn't be that big of a deal. For me, it is. I was genuinely and purely happy for an entire weekend. There wasn't a moment where I felt anything less than bliss. This is thanks to a number of people but none more than my parents, my roommate, and my boyfriend. I may talk about it a lot but I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life.

This is the first entire weekend I have had off from work since the start of the semester. I was full of things yet so relaxing. Here's what I did:

Friday:

Went out to eat for Amelia's Birthday. It was great to celebrate her. We have grown so much closer this semester and I am really grateful for her friendship. During her dinner at Noodles and Company, Josie received a surprise. Natalie had been planning to surprise her and I helped make it happen. I am really glad it worked out. I enjoyed getting to know her and hanging out with her.

After dinner, we went to Panera Bread where Malcolm had his 3rd ever bagel and I had some delicious hot chocolate which chocolate chip marshmallows and salted caramel sauce drizzled on top. It was heaven in a cup. After Panera, we headed to Cold Stone.

When we returned to Govs, I met Ali and Michelle to start our "Date Night with Jesus". The girls in our study made brownies and pumpkin muffins together. It was a great time of bonding and relaxation. After we baked, we headed upstairs to have a slumber party without the slumber (paint nails, watch movies, etc.)

I didn't join immediately because Andrew was with the FFA at the plaza for a conference. Malcolm and I went to hang out with him for a while and it was a blast. We watched Despicable Me for a short while, played some Uno, spoke a little Spanish and played Corn Hole. Ali (Andrew's girlfriend) and I played against Andrew and Malcolm. Ali and I won, naturally. It was Malcolm's first time playing and it was fun to watch. It was good to hang out with Andrew doing something besides sitting at home.

When I got back, I joined the girls in Ali and Michelle's room to eat our treats and watch a little "Definitely Maybe". Unfortunately, I had to leave early in order to work my overnight.

I headed down to the front desk to start my midnight to 6 shift. It went really well and I was really productive. I finished my Spanish paper, got halfway done with Psychology paper, wrote thank you notes, created my secret Jesus gift, and caught up on some other odds and ends. Malcolm stayed up with me the entire time (What an angel). We played a couple of really fun games that helped pass the time. We did some Wiki races, which I frustratingly should have won all of them but only won 1 out of 3. GRRRR. But it was really fun. We also played a game where we had to try and say the same word. The night was filled with many laughs and great memories.

Saturday:

Finally, at 6, I headed to bed. The weather cooperated and was gloomy and dark. I was able to sleep for 7 hours and since I didn't have anything to do until the night, I was able to lounge around in bed for the entire afternoon. It was lovely. I found myself thinking, "I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now and live in it forever". Malcolm and I finally got up around 4 and went to the cafe for breakfast. We came back and played some video games before we went out to eat for my birthday.

Josie picked out my outfit for dinner and she did my make up (So obviously I looked good :P)
11 people were able to come out to eat with me. We went to Famous Daves and I had a wonderful time. I think I spent most of it laughing rather than eating.

After dinner, a group of us played bowls in my room. Following bowls, we played truth or dare like we were 13 again. It was so much fun just to relax and hang out with my friends. In the middle of the games, Malcolm walked in the room with a birthday balloon and flowers in his hand.

Later that night, we played resistance some in the basement.

Sunday:

We woke up a little before 11 so we could head to the Nucleus. There was a wait at the Nucleus so we sat on the couches, sipped hot chocolate, and chatted. We ended up having a wonderful breakfast. Afterwards, we headed back to Govs and Josie and I watched the Season Finale of Orange is the New Black. It was sad to have the season be over but I'm glad I was able to spend part of my day hanging out with Josie and watch it.

My parents showed up at 4:30. My mom outdid herself, once again, with my favorite cake, cookies, and a pan of goodies for Josie. She also had a stack of professionally wrapped presents. We ate cake, watched some of the Packer game and hung out before my GLACURH meeting. Andrew got me a Spanish Dirty Dictionary and a daily calendar both to use in Uruguay. It was really sweet of him and I appreciated his thoughtfulness. My mom gifted me the ring that matches hers. She said I can wear it abroad and she will wear hers and we will be connected that way. Again, it was really thoughtful and sweet. I am happy that I will have this connections to home when I am abroad.

Mom came to my GLACURH Meeting with me which I think she really enjoyed. I'm not good at sharing my life with her verbally, so I think she appreciated being able to see it and be a part of it physically.

After the meeting, we went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse. It was delicious. I had so much good food this weekend, I never want to go to the cafe again. My parents left shortly after dinner and the weekend was basically over. Except, Malcolm had one last gift for me. He first presented me with a heartfelt letter and song lyrics. Then she showed me the video he made. He had asked for and complied videos from some of the most important people in my life. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.

Overall, this was the best birthday I have ever had. Thank you to everyone who had a part in making it so special.

Peace

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1ZgtCRO-KY

Words

I appreciate the beauty of words. I admire their ability to give life to the most abstract ideas and also paint a beautiful picture out of the mundane. I often feel trapped in my own head. Clouded with emotions that I can never verbalize. Thoughts I cannot share. Sometimes it is because I prefer to keep them to myself, they are safe there. More often than not though, it is because I cannot construct the words to accurately express myself. This is why I love music and books and quotes and stories. They give me an escape route from my imprisoned brain. It could be through providing an oasis, a new story, a new life to retreat to for a while so I do not dwell on what is happening in my own. Other times the words of others help illuminate and articulate what I cannot. They provide me with ways to express feelings that would otherwise remain trapped in my head.

So forgive me if I express my gratitude to you through a movie quote, if I tell you how much I care about you through a song lyric or I relate my sadness to a book quote. I do this not because I want to take credit for someone else's work but rather because, this is the only way I know how to tell you anything.

Self Reflection

I know more about other people than I know about myself because I don't take the time figure out what I truly like/dislike, what makes me happy/unhappy,  or what my favorite/least favorite things are. I often am unsure if I am doing things or like things or feeling things, etc because other people want me to or because I genuinely do.

Life of a Girl with a Twenty Year Old Roommate

This weekend was Josie's birthday. It was great to celebrate her for the day. She is such an amazing person who doesn't get enough recognition for how great she is. May the twenties bring you more joy and wisdom than all the years prior.

Quick roomie pick because it is almost necessary 

The group before dinner at Olive Gardern

Roomie pick with party hats on in Olive Garden because reasons

The group at Olive Garden

Just Josie being her stunning self

Our shinning star

Happy birthday Josie.

Home of the Lost and Found

I am simultaneously lost and found in you.

Lost in feeling so much I can't keep emotion checked
Lost in conversation that last until the late hours of the evening
Lost in touch and nothing else around me exists
Lost in time as it passes so quickly when we are together
Lost in sleepiness because I always choose you over sleep
Lost in sadness knowing that our time together is so brief
Lost in love

Found in feeling passion
Found in conversation that allows me to talk about things that are important to me
Found in hope for a brighter future because of you
Found in touch and comfort of being in your arms
Found in laughter and joy that you bring me
Found in happiness knowing that I am blessed with you in my life for so long
Found in love

Taking Cheesy Couple Pictures in a Photo Booth

This weekend was Josie's birthday weekend. It was a lovely time, I will post about it later. This post is a quick description about crossing something off my bucket list. On Saturday, Josie, Aubrie, Malcolm and I went to the mall. There was a table for the humane society in the middle of the mall and Josie and Aubrie stopped to look at some (ugly) cats. Conveniently located right next to the cats was a photo booth. Malcolm and I decided to capitalize on the fortunate series of events.

Thank you Malcolm for indulging in my silly bucket list adventures.

Things That Have Been On My Mind

1. Rabe’s al-Adiwaya, a great woman saint of Sufism, was seen running through the streets of her hometown, Basra, carrying a torch in one hand a bucket of water in the other. When someone asked her what she was doing, she answered, “I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God.

I read this in a book last year and it is something I'm still trying to work through. I don't know which category I fall under. Do I believe in God for the hope of a future in this mysterious, paradise called heaven or because I truly believe in him as a higher being in which I want to praise. I fluctuate between how I define myself. Sometimes I think I believe because it is easy and it is a safety net. Other times I believe so fervently in God, that I feel like I radiate his goodness. 

I think what I am really trying to figure out is if I want to be associated with the bigotry and hypocrisy that occurs under the name of God. I don't know if it is worth the constant struggle.

2. Home is not a place but rather a feeling

Malcolm said this in one of our many rounds of the question game. At first I thought it was weird way to look at home. I've always just seen it as the place a person grew up or a place where your family is. After thinking on it a little more, I've come to the conclusion that I think I like this definition of home a lot. It makes sense. Maybe I have only associated home with the typical places because those are the only places I feel comfortable enough to truly consider it home. I am going to pay more attention to decide if I do feel "home" in other places or situations.

3. You can't change what you cannot confront

This may be obvious to people who know me but I struggle with confronting things that are bothering me. I have a hard time admitting to myself that I have problems, let alone to other people. I hate not being okay or needing help and this why I have a hard time admitting things need change because this could lead to me having to ask for help. This is something I am working on fixing. Change is constructive and a good thing.

4. Don't think of cost. Think of value. 

I hate spending money. It limits what I allow myself to do but memories are worth more than money. I fear I miss out on making memories because I am too fearful to shell out.

5. You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading your last one

I never want to forget the past because it has made me into the person I am today. I want to let go of the past because it only hinders my experiences in the present. Dwelling on things I cannot change does not help me grow as a person. Dwelling on what could've been, what should've been, what ifs and other questions only limit what I can achieve now. I need to do better and be better but not worry about what I wasn't before.  

Spending the Weekend in Australia

This weekend I was supposed to go to Ali's house for a weekend with the girls. Buffalo Wild Wings had other plans for me. Like work. They were 'generous' enough to give me Friday night off. Since I couldn't go to Ali's, I still wanted to make the best of the weekend. I wanted to plan a special date for Malcolm and I. We have only been on one real date and its been like two months. 

I brainstormed ideas for a couple of days until I finally decided on a Sherlock themed night. I started out with all these things I wanted to do but realized I really just wanted to spend some one on one time with him since we rarely have that. As the week went on, the idea took shape and I knew what I wanted to do. I knew Malcolm was missing pieces of home. There is very little I can do to make him feel better but I wanted to do what little I could. One thing led to another and I figured it out.

I refused to tell Malcolm what we were doing. Every time he asked a question, I frustratingly answered, "you'll find out"

He got out of class at 3 and came to his room to find a lousy attempt at a magnifying glass and pipe and his first clue. The clue lead him to my room where I had a picture of his village on my door. 

From there we headed to Festival where he had to decode the ingredients for our meal which was Kababs, basically a burrito. 

We made dinner together in the basement. When we finished cooking we headed back up to my room. We entered the room and I had a blown up picture of Perth's skyline and a ridiculously bad version of a beach. I taped brown paper over our ottoman for "sand" and had a beach on the TV playing ocean sounds. 

It was such a great day. I enjoy every second I get to spend with him, even it is doing something silly like running around town as if we were Sherlock and Watson. Even more, I love that he is willing to enthusiastically do that sort of childish stuff with me.

All in all, it was an extremely cheesy and poorly done decoration scheme but he loved it and that's all that matters. I hope for even a minute he felt just a step closer to his home. It was all worth it if I achieved that.

Roommate Date

Last Saturday, Josie and I had the entire day together. This is the first time this has happened in months. Maybe even this first time this semester. We did all of the things! We started our day off by shopping which was really fun. We went to TJ Maxx, a brief stop into Tuesday Morning, the mall, Goodwill to find our costumes and finally Festival to buy the ingredients for our meal that we were going to cook together.

Trying on masks at our favorite store!

When we arrived back at Govs, we had to wait to use the kitchen so naturally we watched Orange is the New Black. Finally, we were able to get into the kitchen and start cooking. We made chicken, rice and corn and for dessert we made cookie brownies. For the brownies, we made a pact that no one else could have any except for us. Yes, we are that selfish.

 Josie should never hold a knife

But actually, no more knives for Josie

The final product! So good!

After we finished cooking, some people were playing a new game called Pandemic. Saby smelt the cookie brownies and asked for one and I had to awkwardly explain that we weren't sharing. I'm not sure he believed me but I don't really care.

After we finished playing we concluded the evening we another episode of Orange is the New Black.

It seems so mundane on paper but it was such a great day. It was filled with ridiculousness like almost getting piercings and so many laughs. I want more days like these, just my roommate and I bumming around and loving life. Not worrying about the homework I should be doing or the money I'm not making because I'm not working. Just relaxing and enjoying in the great company I was with. These are the times I will look back on years from now and remember why college was so amazing.

Seeing the Positives

Over the past few days, I have found myself being easily discouraged and put into a negative attitude. Little minuet things can radically shift my mood. It is silly that I let such trivial events affect my this way. For every negative event that occurs there is at least 3 positive ones but I never focus on those.

For example, yesterday I was running late for work. I hit almost every green light on the way to work so I got there in time. I got to work frazzled in not in the best spirits. Why should I have focused on running late instead of the gift of not having to wait at a light? 

Why do I do this? 

I am blessed with so many gifts in my life, yet there are days when I can only see the things I wasn't blessed with. 

This is my pledge to myself to start improving my outlook. I will actively seek to see the positives in a situation rather than the negatives and appreciate the little things.

For example, "to give birth" in Spanish is "dar un luz". This literally translates to "to give light", This is beautifully poetic.

Friends are my Family

Quotes about relationships such as family and friends have been popping up all over the place recently.

While tumbling today, I found a post explaining how the phrase "Blood is thicker than water", (meaning family is more important than friendship) is in fact a wildly incorrect bastardization of the phrase.

The original, full, quote is:

 "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." 

This refers to relationships forged by choice holding deeper meaning than those of mere biology.

The other I read was my friend's status on FaceBook:

"There is no such thing as a "broken family." Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certifications, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those are you family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you."

This got me thinking about the friends I have been blessed with in my life.

I went home this past weekend and hand an amazingly renewing time. I was once again reminded of the wonderful people I am blessed to have in my life and the friendships that cannot be tarnished because of the miles between us. I wanted to take some time to briefly thank them for everything they have done for me. I do not spend enough time appreciating the gift I was given to know these incredible people.

To the friends I was able to capture our memories with this weekend:

 C-MIT (Clair). Thanks for being a rock in my faith. You're constant positive outlook on life is truly inspring.  It is an honor to always be confused with you

Ben and Dan, Thanks for being my go to guys when I have problems with anything mechanical. Thanks for putting up with my ignorance and always providing me with laughs.

Ben (middle), thanks for your patience and subtle reassurance that keeps me calm

Dan (right), thanks for indulging my desire for adventure 

Steph, I've learned so much from you. Thanks for being my motivator, letting me vent to you about anything and for being as weird as I am.

J.Curly, thanks for snap chatting me all of time and for making work fun

To the friends I saw but didn't get pictures with this weekend:

Talle, Thanks for being up for anything, for you ability to always make me laugh, for having great music to jam to and for having crazy ideas that will never happen and for telling crazy stories we all know never happened

Alexandra, thank you for reminding me the importance of perspective and to keep an open mind. Thank you for being a listening ear and always making time to see me when I'm home.

Elizabeth (middle), thank you for saving me from my toxic friendships so long ago. I don't know where I would be if you hadn't shown me what real friendship looks likes and let me into your social circle.

Jennah (right), thanks for always being (literally) 2 seconds away. I love that I can (could) run over to your house whenever I needed a laugh or to get away. I can always count on you to equally geek out about lame things like I do.

Bennett, thank you for being my best friend since forever and basically my third brother. You've taught me so many things, like how to play basketball, one of my greatest passions in life. We had a kick ass fort and I loved sending every day playing back there. 

Lynsey, thanks for being so goofy and caring. Every moment spent with you is time well spent. Also, thank you for moving into an apartment so I don't have to worry about slipping, falling, and almost dying on your stairs anymore.

And to the friends that have become my family in Eau Claire:

James, lets be honest, we're basically the same person. Thanks for giving the best hugs and sending the most pointless snapchats, I love seeing those tidbits of your life. Thank you for accepting my weirdness and matching it with your own. 

Andrew, thanks for standing on the chairs in the caf and waving at me. What I mean to say is, thank you for not being embarrassed to be you and thus, giving me the confidence to do the same. Thank you for indulging my many faith questions and staying up till the wee hours in the morning talking about life with me.

Josie, thank you for teaching me so much about life and about myself. Thank you for making sure I don't look like an idiot (both in physically and intellectually). Thank you for the countless times I've laughed till I've cried when I'm with you. But most of all, thank you for being the first person I've ever trusted with my most personal thoughts and ideas. I never knew what having a true friend meant until I met you.