Basketball

I used to play basketball. I used to love basketball. I loved the feeling of the ball in my hand. I love the quick thinking required in the middle of a game. I loved being part of a team, that I could not accomplish any of this without them. I loved that it relieved my stress, rid me of anger, and left me with happiness after I walked off the court. Although I loved all of these things, the thing I loved the most was that my dad and I finally had something to talk about. He was the best coach and he loved watching me play. My dad worked 7 days a week but he would always take off for every basketball game. It didn't matter if the game was 3 hours away, he would be there.

After being bullied and belittled by coach for my entire junior year season. I quit basketball.

I missed the game like you miss an old friend.

But what I really missed was my dad's involvement in my life.

Sorting it all Out

I am currently in Bible Study Prep. These past couple of weeks and the weeks to come have been busy and eventful. Justin gave us time to restore ourselves. He said to pray, to read, to draw, whatever we needed to find solace. Everyone immediately gravitated toward one thing; Rachel started to draw, Angela became quickly engrossed in prayer, Sam started writing a letter to God and Justin is reading the Bible. I just sat here for 10 minutes. I do not know what is restoring for me. I think this leads to a deeper problem of not knowing how to be restored in God. I feel like my once strong relationship with him has been slowly worn away to shreds.  As I sit here, I know that I am not here for a supreme being but rather I am here to fulfill and honor the commitment I made last semester.The fact that I am here is more of a testament to my character than of my faithfulness.

I do not know where I am in my walk of faith and so I've decided to use this time to start sorting it all out.

I grew up in a Christian household. My mom went to church every Sunday and made sure that we did too. My dad never attended church be he attributed this to having to work every morning (literally seven days a week). When I was younger, I dreaded the monotonous church service but the older I got, the more like it home it felt. I really found my niche when I started to attend Wednesday night LOGOS and what was later called SOAR. I found a group of friends that I enjoyed spending time with, I was learning a lot about God and myself, and I was having fun. Soon, Wednesday nights became my reprieve. My safe place, my highlight, my rock and my home. I knew that in that room, I could say whatever, be whomever and I would be loved. It didn't matter what else was going on on the outside, inside, everything was okay.  I have had a lot of inconsistencies in my life but the one thing  I could always count on was Wednesday nights at Onalaska United Methodist Church. I was lucky to find such an accepting group of people and a mentor like Andrew, Debbie, and Mark.

They taught me about the loving God who would do anything for his children. I learned that everyone is equal in the eyes of God and I can never do anything to lose his love. Females, males, heterosexual, homosexual, white, not white, even Christian and none Christians were always welcome through our doors without judgement. I was/am proud to come from a church that loves people like God calls us to.

When I came to college, I was on fire for God. I couldn't wait to join an organization on campus. I met with Cody and discussed the options. Andrew and I had countless late night religion talks. Aside from these two and a handful of others, every religious person I met turned me more and more away from God. People were using his words, using the bible as justification to hate an oppress people. I did not and do not want to be associated with this kind of unacceptable bigotry and hypocrisy. I started a long pursuit to find a group of people here who believed in God but were accepting. I was looking for a community like the one I had back home. My efforts were not successful. This made me wonder if I was the one who is wrong. If everyone else here thinks one way and I think the other, the common denominator is me, not them.  This scared me because it meant I would have to leave the one part of my life that has always been there for me.

I called my youth pastor Andrew and asked him about this. He reassured me that I was not in the wrong. This gave me the courage to try again. I agreed to be a bible study leader in hopes that I could create a study like the one I so desperately wanted when I was a freshmen.

Unfortunately, I have not been able to do so. This is for many reasons and I do not want get into them now. I wanted to talk about how not that I am a leader, these feelings of being judged have only compounded. Everywhere I go, there are fellow leaders looking on at me, and I always think, "Am I being Christian enough for them today." The answer is almost always no. A leader here is expected to be like Jesus. Sinless, whole, and good. I am none of those things. I am broken, lost, confused, questioning, sinful and bad. But God loves me anyways. That's the beauty of it. Here though, I am all those things but not supposed to talk about it. I am supposed to be the perfect little leader. Perfect follower of God. I need to have my shit together and don't I dare talk about a time when I didn't. Here the leaders are perfect. Except not really. Everyone just pretends that everyone else is okay but we are not. We aren't okay. I'd argue that it would be bad if we were. How are we supposed to lead if we don't understand what it is like to not know yourself. The more we pretend these problems don't exist, the worse off we are. As a leader, all that really changed is now, I can't talk about my struggles with faith in community. This irony? We are creating communities where people can talk about their struggles with faith.

 Do I still believe in God?

Yes.

So the real question, is am I a Christian?

I don't know anymore. I can't sift through it all because of all this fake bullshit in front of me. I do not believe in a God who is pleased with what is going on.

I believe in a God who wants me to do everything I can to take care of other people. Support them, love them, stand up for them, but not ever be above them. People should know that I am a believe based on my action not my words. I do not need to preach the gospel. I need to act in a way that people wonder, "what is different about her" and the difference is that I have God. I am not in the business of converting other people, I am in the business of loving people just as they are. Just as God does.

If that's wrong, then no, I am not a Christian.  And if a Christian is someone who condemns, judges, persecutes, and hates others, I don't want to be one anyway.

My Grandad just retired from being a pastor at the age of 80. He taught me so much about love and life and God. He taught me that God's love knows no bounds. My Grandad fought for civil rights, he was a white boy living in Oklahoma. He drove down to see Martian Luther King Jr. speak with his (black) friends. He got shot at while driving through town because he was with them. My Grandad is at the forefront of the gay rights campaign. He is the kindest, wisest, most generous person I know and he preached the word of God.

He is the kind of Christian and follower I want to be. I just don't know how to do it. How do I follow what I believe when it goes against what almost everyone else believes. But if he can do, if he can be a pastor and can do, there has to be some way I can too.

I don't know where this leaves me. Except lost.

I am grateful that I have had such strong, good role models in my faith life. I am trying not to let them be overshadowed by the multitudes of people I have met who are the opposite of them.

This blog post is all over the place but I guess so are my thoughts. I don't know where I stand on so many things. I don't know how to move forward but I guess I'll just keep taking it one day at a time.

A Birthday of Champions

This past weekend was wonderful. From the second I finished class on Friday to the second I fell asleep on Sunday, I was happy. As I type it, that term seems small and insignificant. Being happy for a whole weekend shouldn't be that big of a deal. For me, it is. I was genuinely and purely happy for an entire weekend. There wasn't a moment where I felt anything less than bliss. This is thanks to a number of people but none more than my parents, my roommate, and my boyfriend. I may talk about it a lot but I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life.

This is the first entire weekend I have had off from work since the start of the semester. I was full of things yet so relaxing. Here's what I did:

Friday:

Went out to eat for Amelia's Birthday. It was great to celebrate her. We have grown so much closer this semester and I am really grateful for her friendship. During her dinner at Noodles and Company, Josie received a surprise. Natalie had been planning to surprise her and I helped make it happen. I am really glad it worked out. I enjoyed getting to know her and hanging out with her.

After dinner, we went to Panera Bread where Malcolm had his 3rd ever bagel and I had some delicious hot chocolate which chocolate chip marshmallows and salted caramel sauce drizzled on top. It was heaven in a cup. After Panera, we headed to Cold Stone.

When we returned to Govs, I met Ali and Michelle to start our "Date Night with Jesus". The girls in our study made brownies and pumpkin muffins together. It was a great time of bonding and relaxation. After we baked, we headed upstairs to have a slumber party without the slumber (paint nails, watch movies, etc.)

I didn't join immediately because Andrew was with the FFA at the plaza for a conference. Malcolm and I went to hang out with him for a while and it was a blast. We watched Despicable Me for a short while, played some Uno, spoke a little Spanish and played Corn Hole. Ali (Andrew's girlfriend) and I played against Andrew and Malcolm. Ali and I won, naturally. It was Malcolm's first time playing and it was fun to watch. It was good to hang out with Andrew doing something besides sitting at home.

When I got back, I joined the girls in Ali and Michelle's room to eat our treats and watch a little "Definitely Maybe". Unfortunately, I had to leave early in order to work my overnight.

I headed down to the front desk to start my midnight to 6 shift. It went really well and I was really productive. I finished my Spanish paper, got halfway done with Psychology paper, wrote thank you notes, created my secret Jesus gift, and caught up on some other odds and ends. Malcolm stayed up with me the entire time (What an angel). We played a couple of really fun games that helped pass the time. We did some Wiki races, which I frustratingly should have won all of them but only won 1 out of 3. GRRRR. But it was really fun. We also played a game where we had to try and say the same word. The night was filled with many laughs and great memories.

Saturday:

Finally, at 6, I headed to bed. The weather cooperated and was gloomy and dark. I was able to sleep for 7 hours and since I didn't have anything to do until the night, I was able to lounge around in bed for the entire afternoon. It was lovely. I found myself thinking, "I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now and live in it forever". Malcolm and I finally got up around 4 and went to the cafe for breakfast. We came back and played some video games before we went out to eat for my birthday.

Josie picked out my outfit for dinner and she did my make up (So obviously I looked good :P)
11 people were able to come out to eat with me. We went to Famous Daves and I had a wonderful time. I think I spent most of it laughing rather than eating.

After dinner, a group of us played bowls in my room. Following bowls, we played truth or dare like we were 13 again. It was so much fun just to relax and hang out with my friends. In the middle of the games, Malcolm walked in the room with a birthday balloon and flowers in his hand.

Later that night, we played resistance some in the basement.

Sunday:

We woke up a little before 11 so we could head to the Nucleus. There was a wait at the Nucleus so we sat on the couches, sipped hot chocolate, and chatted. We ended up having a wonderful breakfast. Afterwards, we headed back to Govs and Josie and I watched the Season Finale of Orange is the New Black. It was sad to have the season be over but I'm glad I was able to spend part of my day hanging out with Josie and watch it.

My parents showed up at 4:30. My mom outdid herself, once again, with my favorite cake, cookies, and a pan of goodies for Josie. She also had a stack of professionally wrapped presents. We ate cake, watched some of the Packer game and hung out before my GLACURH meeting. Andrew got me a Spanish Dirty Dictionary and a daily calendar both to use in Uruguay. It was really sweet of him and I appreciated his thoughtfulness. My mom gifted me the ring that matches hers. She said I can wear it abroad and she will wear hers and we will be connected that way. Again, it was really thoughtful and sweet. I am happy that I will have this connections to home when I am abroad.

Mom came to my GLACURH Meeting with me which I think she really enjoyed. I'm not good at sharing my life with her verbally, so I think she appreciated being able to see it and be a part of it physically.

After the meeting, we went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse. It was delicious. I had so much good food this weekend, I never want to go to the cafe again. My parents left shortly after dinner and the weekend was basically over. Except, Malcolm had one last gift for me. He first presented me with a heartfelt letter and song lyrics. Then she showed me the video he made. He had asked for and complied videos from some of the most important people in my life. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.

Overall, this was the best birthday I have ever had. Thank you to everyone who had a part in making it so special.

Peace

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1ZgtCRO-KY

Words

I appreciate the beauty of words. I admire their ability to give life to the most abstract ideas and also paint a beautiful picture out of the mundane. I often feel trapped in my own head. Clouded with emotions that I can never verbalize. Thoughts I cannot share. Sometimes it is because I prefer to keep them to myself, they are safe there. More often than not though, it is because I cannot construct the words to accurately express myself. This is why I love music and books and quotes and stories. They give me an escape route from my imprisoned brain. It could be through providing an oasis, a new story, a new life to retreat to for a while so I do not dwell on what is happening in my own. Other times the words of others help illuminate and articulate what I cannot. They provide me with ways to express feelings that would otherwise remain trapped in my head.

So forgive me if I express my gratitude to you through a movie quote, if I tell you how much I care about you through a song lyric or I relate my sadness to a book quote. I do this not because I want to take credit for someone else's work but rather because, this is the only way I know how to tell you anything.

Self Reflection

I know more about other people than I know about myself because I don't take the time figure out what I truly like/dislike, what makes me happy/unhappy,  or what my favorite/least favorite things are. I often am unsure if I am doing things or like things or feeling things, etc because other people want me to or because I genuinely do.

Life of a Girl with a Twenty Year Old Roommate

This weekend was Josie's birthday. It was great to celebrate her for the day. She is such an amazing person who doesn't get enough recognition for how great she is. May the twenties bring you more joy and wisdom than all the years prior.

Quick roomie pick because it is almost necessary 

The group before dinner at Olive Gardern

Roomie pick with party hats on in Olive Garden because reasons

The group at Olive Garden

Just Josie being her stunning self

Our shinning star

Happy birthday Josie.

Home of the Lost and Found

I am simultaneously lost and found in you.

Lost in feeling so much I can't keep emotion checked
Lost in conversation that last until the late hours of the evening
Lost in touch and nothing else around me exists
Lost in time as it passes so quickly when we are together
Lost in sleepiness because I always choose you over sleep
Lost in sadness knowing that our time together is so brief
Lost in love

Found in feeling passion
Found in conversation that allows me to talk about things that are important to me
Found in hope for a brighter future because of you
Found in touch and comfort of being in your arms
Found in laughter and joy that you bring me
Found in happiness knowing that I am blessed with you in my life for so long
Found in love

Taking Cheesy Couple Pictures in a Photo Booth

This weekend was Josie's birthday weekend. It was a lovely time, I will post about it later. This post is a quick description about crossing something off my bucket list. On Saturday, Josie, Aubrie, Malcolm and I went to the mall. There was a table for the humane society in the middle of the mall and Josie and Aubrie stopped to look at some (ugly) cats. Conveniently located right next to the cats was a photo booth. Malcolm and I decided to capitalize on the fortunate series of events.

Thank you Malcolm for indulging in my silly bucket list adventures.

Things That Have Been On My Mind

1. Rabe’s al-Adiwaya, a great woman saint of Sufism, was seen running through the streets of her hometown, Basra, carrying a torch in one hand a bucket of water in the other. When someone asked her what she was doing, she answered, “I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God.

I read this in a book last year and it is something I'm still trying to work through. I don't know which category I fall under. Do I believe in God for the hope of a future in this mysterious, paradise called heaven or because I truly believe in him as a higher being in which I want to praise. I fluctuate between how I define myself. Sometimes I think I believe because it is easy and it is a safety net. Other times I believe so fervently in God, that I feel like I radiate his goodness. 

I think what I am really trying to figure out is if I want to be associated with the bigotry and hypocrisy that occurs under the name of God. I don't know if it is worth the constant struggle.

2. Home is not a place but rather a feeling

Malcolm said this in one of our many rounds of the question game. At first I thought it was weird way to look at home. I've always just seen it as the place a person grew up or a place where your family is. After thinking on it a little more, I've come to the conclusion that I think I like this definition of home a lot. It makes sense. Maybe I have only associated home with the typical places because those are the only places I feel comfortable enough to truly consider it home. I am going to pay more attention to decide if I do feel "home" in other places or situations.

3. You can't change what you cannot confront

This may be obvious to people who know me but I struggle with confronting things that are bothering me. I have a hard time admitting to myself that I have problems, let alone to other people. I hate not being okay or needing help and this why I have a hard time admitting things need change because this could lead to me having to ask for help. This is something I am working on fixing. Change is constructive and a good thing.

4. Don't think of cost. Think of value. 

I hate spending money. It limits what I allow myself to do but memories are worth more than money. I fear I miss out on making memories because I am too fearful to shell out.

5. You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading your last one

I never want to forget the past because it has made me into the person I am today. I want to let go of the past because it only hinders my experiences in the present. Dwelling on things I cannot change does not help me grow as a person. Dwelling on what could've been, what should've been, what ifs and other questions only limit what I can achieve now. I need to do better and be better but not worry about what I wasn't before.  

Spending the Weekend in Australia

This weekend I was supposed to go to Ali's house for a weekend with the girls. Buffalo Wild Wings had other plans for me. Like work. They were 'generous' enough to give me Friday night off. Since I couldn't go to Ali's, I still wanted to make the best of the weekend. I wanted to plan a special date for Malcolm and I. We have only been on one real date and its been like two months. 

I brainstormed ideas for a couple of days until I finally decided on a Sherlock themed night. I started out with all these things I wanted to do but realized I really just wanted to spend some one on one time with him since we rarely have that. As the week went on, the idea took shape and I knew what I wanted to do. I knew Malcolm was missing pieces of home. There is very little I can do to make him feel better but I wanted to do what little I could. One thing led to another and I figured it out.

I refused to tell Malcolm what we were doing. Every time he asked a question, I frustratingly answered, "you'll find out"

He got out of class at 3 and came to his room to find a lousy attempt at a magnifying glass and pipe and his first clue. The clue lead him to my room where I had a picture of his village on my door. 

From there we headed to Festival where he had to decode the ingredients for our meal which was Kababs, basically a burrito. 

We made dinner together in the basement. When we finished cooking we headed back up to my room. We entered the room and I had a blown up picture of Perth's skyline and a ridiculously bad version of a beach. I taped brown paper over our ottoman for "sand" and had a beach on the TV playing ocean sounds. 

It was such a great day. I enjoy every second I get to spend with him, even it is doing something silly like running around town as if we were Sherlock and Watson. Even more, I love that he is willing to enthusiastically do that sort of childish stuff with me.

All in all, it was an extremely cheesy and poorly done decoration scheme but he loved it and that's all that matters. I hope for even a minute he felt just a step closer to his home. It was all worth it if I achieved that.

Roommate Date

Last Saturday, Josie and I had the entire day together. This is the first time this has happened in months. Maybe even this first time this semester. We did all of the things! We started our day off by shopping which was really fun. We went to TJ Maxx, a brief stop into Tuesday Morning, the mall, Goodwill to find our costumes and finally Festival to buy the ingredients for our meal that we were going to cook together.

Trying on masks at our favorite store!

When we arrived back at Govs, we had to wait to use the kitchen so naturally we watched Orange is the New Black. Finally, we were able to get into the kitchen and start cooking. We made chicken, rice and corn and for dessert we made cookie brownies. For the brownies, we made a pact that no one else could have any except for us. Yes, we are that selfish.

 Josie should never hold a knife

But actually, no more knives for Josie

The final product! So good!

After we finished cooking, some people were playing a new game called Pandemic. Saby smelt the cookie brownies and asked for one and I had to awkwardly explain that we weren't sharing. I'm not sure he believed me but I don't really care.

After we finished playing we concluded the evening we another episode of Orange is the New Black.

It seems so mundane on paper but it was such a great day. It was filled with ridiculousness like almost getting piercings and so many laughs. I want more days like these, just my roommate and I bumming around and loving life. Not worrying about the homework I should be doing or the money I'm not making because I'm not working. Just relaxing and enjoying in the great company I was with. These are the times I will look back on years from now and remember why college was so amazing.

Seeing the Positives

Over the past few days, I have found myself being easily discouraged and put into a negative attitude. Little minuet things can radically shift my mood. It is silly that I let such trivial events affect my this way. For every negative event that occurs there is at least 3 positive ones but I never focus on those.

For example, yesterday I was running late for work. I hit almost every green light on the way to work so I got there in time. I got to work frazzled in not in the best spirits. Why should I have focused on running late instead of the gift of not having to wait at a light? 

Why do I do this? 

I am blessed with so many gifts in my life, yet there are days when I can only see the things I wasn't blessed with. 

This is my pledge to myself to start improving my outlook. I will actively seek to see the positives in a situation rather than the negatives and appreciate the little things.

For example, "to give birth" in Spanish is "dar un luz". This literally translates to "to give light", This is beautifully poetic.