Learning About Myself

Lately I have been taking time to reflect on things about myself. Mainly, what I like and dislike. What I believe in. When no one else is around, when I don't have to worry what other people think, what I am truly like. Some things I realize I like but hide from most people because I find them to be embarrassing qualities. It has been interesting to analyze myself from a critical perspective.

Here is what I got so far:

1. I love country music. I can listen to other genres and I like other genres but when I am by myself 90% of the time I'm listening to country
2. I like quite car rides. I like taking in the passing world around me.
3. I'm embarrassed to show emotion in front of people. I think it is a sign of weakness within myself.
4. I feel more comfortable in a group of guys than a group of girls because I often don't feel feminine enough to fit in
5. I like being from a small town
6. I like knowing how to do outdoorsy things
1. I like hunting 
2. and fishing
3. and knowing how to build a fire, shoot a gun, drive a boat
7. I don't know how to give up control
8. I get embarrassed talking about my period
9. I also get embarrassed talking about basically anything relating to guys

1 on 1 on 1

• Roof
• Almost hookah
• tunnels
• ski jump
• fire and brats
• White Castle

Growing Up

You are actually living a good life by recognizing these 25 signs: 

1. Your relationships are less dramatic than they use to be.
2. You may not have as much money as you want but you live a rich life.
3. You’re not afraid to ask for help and support.
4. Where you live feels like home.
5. You’ve raised your standards.
6. You let go of things that don’t make you feel good.
7. You have moments where you appreciate who you see in the mirror.
8. You’re working on limiting your inner critic and consciously choosing more positive thoughts.
9. You’ve learned that setbacks and failure are part of self-growth.
10. You have a support system that includes people who would do anything for you
11. You hear “I love you” often, from friends, family or a partner.
12. You’ve accepted what you can’t change, but change what you can’t accept.
13. You don’t complain much, but instead focus on solutions.
14. You don’t blame your parents, and accept them for who they are.
15. You stopped caring about what others think of you.
16. You’re happy for your exes when they move on.
17. You can celebrate others’ successes.
18. You allow yourself to feel your feelings and are comfortable sharing them.
19. You have passions that you pursue.
20. You’re able to accept compliments without deflecting.
21. You have things to look forward to.
22. You have goals that have come true.
23. You have empathy for others.
24. You feel connected to your work.
25. You love deeply and open yourself up to be loved by others.

I Fear

Leaving this place
Coming home a different person
Coming home the same person
Not taking advantage of this expereince to the fullest
Only being home for 5 days before going back to Eau Claire
Being an RA
Doing bad in my classes here
Using all of my money
Not being good enough at Spanish
Not improving enough while I´m here
Figuring out what I want to do with my free year
Not caring
How I look
Not knowing what I want to do
Not being sure of myself

It Has Been Too Long

Every since I started blogging about my travels, I have kind of left this one to the dust. There are many times when I think of something that I would really like to write about or post in here but instead, I always use the time for my other blog. It usually takes me anywhere between 2-4 hours to complete a travel blog. After I finish I am pretty burnt out. For me, it´s kind of exhuasting to share that much of myself and my life every week. A lot of times, I don´t want to do it or I want to leave somethings out but there are three main driving factors that keep me going. The first is that I would not be here without the help of so many people back home such as my parents. I know how much my blog means to them and it is the least I can do, let them in on my life here, to thank them for all they have done. The second is that when I Skype or chat with people back home, we can have a normal conversation and I can hear about their life. I don´t want to spend the entire time talking about myself and my time here, because yes it is amazing and I do want to share that but at the same time, I desperately miss life back home. No matter how mundane it may seem for the people I am talking to, I love hearing about their daily life back home. Also, once the recaps are out of the way, we can just chat and joke around which I love. The final reason that like to blog is because I know, 4 months, 1 year, 10 years from now, I am going to be really grateful I so diligently recorded my experiences here. It will be a really good keepsake to have later in life.

I am going to try and be better about blogging here because I miss the freedom it brings me. I can say what is on my mind without having to be mindful of who might read it later. It is a place where I can truly be honest with myself and what is going on in my life.

Every since I started this blog, it has been an amazing release for me. It has allowed me to put my restless thoughts to paper and out of my mind. I need that more than ever here. I have been blessed to meet some amazing people here but I don´t confide in them like I would with Josie or others back home. At times, this leaves me feeling a little trapped and without even realizing it, tense. At times, I´ve never felt more alone than I do here which is ironic because I rarely have a moment to myself.

Hugs

I miss being wrapped in someone's arms who I feel 100% comfortable with. I miss being comforted and comfortable. I am always on edge here, not always in a bad way but its a little exhausted. I don't know if I have ever fully let my guard down in 2 months. I just want a hug.

Thanks

1. Arriving safely to Colombia
2. Having an amazing time in Cartagena
3. Not getting bus sick (Seriously this should be on here 100 times)
4. Having Wifi more often than I thought
5. Jeremy and Alex
6. Moments of clarity
7. Sleeping in a bed
8. Meeting really really cool people
9. My other blog and being able to share my experiences with others
10. The Spanish language 
11. Kindness of locals and fellow travelers
12. Catching the taxi before it drove away with my laptop (I would've cried.. for days)
13. Seeing God's beautiful creation and the restorative feeling this brings my soul
14. My camera
15. Endless possibilities