A Year in Review

Josie and I almost a year ago

Josie and I almost a year later (look how longer her hair got!)

When I think back to this time last year, I cannot believe how far I've come.

Thinking about where I was a year ago, makes me sick to my stomach. I was in the tail end of an abusive relationship. I remember visiting him over Winter Break last year. I brought my computer and as he was helping me unload my car he dropped my computer. I got upset and he told me to go the fuck home if I was going to be like that. That pretty much sums up how things went, he made me feel bad for everything that happened. No matter what. I have spent countless nights laying awake wondering why I put up it for so long.

He ended things. This is another thing that irks me. He ended it, I couldn't even do it. How lame is that? He ended it because I didn't want to have sex with him. He said, "I've had a long day, all I want to do is come home and have sex with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?" When I told him I wanted to just go to sleep, he said, "Well, I think we should break up" and rolled over to go to sleep. I started to cry and asked him if he was serious. He said yes and to stop crying. I asked him to talk to me, tell me why and he said if I didn't leave that he would call the RA on duty and have me kicked out.

I walked out and never looked back. Consequently, I also never dealt with what I went through.

Looking back now, although I have many regrets, I cannot change anything and I don't think I would if I could.  I learned a lot about myself and the amazing people I have in my life.

The rest of spring semester went by in a blur. I was putting the pieces of my life back together. Figuring out what I wanted and not what others wanted from me. It was a time of self reflection and growth. I came out happier than I had been in a long time. I made the decision to study abroad for a semester instead of just a summer. I've always wanted to go for at least a semester but he didn't want to go for an entire semester and the sad thing is, I almost gave that up for him. That's crazy. I learned that I never want to do that again. Under no circumstances should I give up my dreams for another.

Josie and I grew a lot closer over second semester. That was mainly due to the fact that I was around more.

Summer came and it was great to be home. I worked a ton and hung out with a lot of friends. I was feeling pretty numb though. I never was unhappy, I never felt sad really but I also never truly felt happy. Now, I realize this is because I shut down after what happened with Jake. I closed off so I wouldn't feel the hurt and pain of what happened but because of that I made it so I couldn't feel any extreme emotion, like happiness.

I did some pretty stupid stuff over the summer. I didn't care about much so it didn't bother me. I can't change what happened but I can change how I will deal with this stuff in the future.

Money was a big stresser this summer. I had great support from my amazing friends.

Fall semester started and it was great to catch up with Josie. I missed her so much!

Things started off to a good and busy start and then only got better and busier. The girls on my floor turned out to be awesome. I was so worried about whether or not our floor would have the same sense of community as ours did last year and to my pleasant surprise, I was just as good, maybe even better. RHA turned out to be better than I expected, the exec board is awesome.  I made some great new friends that I never expected.

I got some new jobs, some I loved and some I hated.

One particular job led to one of my favorite things from this year. I worked the security desk at Governors and that is where I met Malcolm for the first time. There is so much I could say about Malcolm and how he made an amazing impact on my life. Most of what I want to say about it is already on this blog somewhere but I do want to say in relation to earlier this year that Malcolm got me out of my numbness. He also showed me what it means to be treated correctly by someone. I worry that I will never find someone as great as him but I know that I won't settle for anything less. Even it means ending up alone.

The year started out rocky but ended better than I could have ever imagined.

I had one of best birthdays of my life, thanks to my friends and to Malcolm.

I had the hardest living goodbye.

I cried more this year than I have in ages

I made friendships that I hope will last a life time

I struggled and I triumphed

I learned an astounding amount about myself

I was shown more support from my family and friends than I knew how to reciprocate

That is the main thing I learned this year. That I have some pretty amazing friends. I am so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life. I would not be where I am without them.

There are a lot of things up in the air right now with my life. So many unknowns and uncertainties. I am going to spend 6 months in another country. I am going to decide whether or not I want to graduate in 3 years. I need to deal with my feelings with Malcolm and hopefully come to a comfortable spot with him. I am equal parts nervous and excited for what 2014 has in store but ready or not, here I come.

Head vs Heart

The most complicated situations occur when feelings and logic are suggesting two opposing solutions to the same problem.
- Malcolm Farrell - Mitchell

A battle between my head and my heart has never really been a battle at all.
My heart is like Muhammad Ali and my head is some kid off the streets.
It was never even a contest. My head had no chance.

This time is different. This time my heart can't win and I don't know how to deal with that. I don't want to and I don't know how to just give up. I keep clinging to this desperate hope that it will work out. That it is meant to be and we'll figure it out. But I can't keep kidding myself. He's in AUSTRALIA. Even if I could spend a year there, it is only a year. Then we were are stuck in the same spot we are now.

I get to this part of the logic, and I agree, and I think I'm okay and know what I need to do. And then I saw this quote:

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don’t know what a love like Juliet’s feels like: love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for, but I’d like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I’d have the courage to seize it.

What if this is it? I don't want to be irrational, I've only known him for 4 months but I don't want to be stupid and let something so amazing slip away.

Thus the battle continues..

He deserves to move on and I should give that to him.

If it is truly meant to be, I will just have to hope and pray whatever force brought us together in the first place will eventually reunite us.

I am giving up on foolish hopefulness.

So, for the first time, I submit. I submit to logic and to reason.

Round over.

Thankfulness Week 4.0

1. Apple Cinnamon Cinnamon Rolls
2. Wrapping presents with Katie and Steph
3. Lunch with J.Curly
4. Talle
5. Ben
6. Dan
7. Bennett
8. Lynsey
9. Family
10. Malcolm
11. Josie
12. Josie and Luke ;)
13. Christmas
14. Gift giving
15. Cookie plates
16. Visiting with Granddad and Connie
17. Staying late on Christmas Eve to talk to Grandma and Grandpa
18. Moving back safely
19. Generosity
20. Card games
21. Doing things as a family
22. Not having to work
23. Road trips with friends
24. Having a bucket list that inspires me to do things

Casino Night

Monday night Talle, Ben, and I loaded up in the Focus and headed to Red Wing to go to the casino. It was a 2 hour car ride filled with many laughs. We arrived around 5 and used valet parking (Talle's demand). We spent the next 3 and half hours trying our luck at various games. None of us came out successful (I lost $25) but it was still a blast. I won't go into much detail about the actual casino because reflecting back, that wasn't even the important piece. Sure, I am happy I went, happy I experienced it but more importantly, I was happy to be there with friends.

It was great just to hang out with them doing something different. I am truly blessed to have such great guys in my life.

Generosity

I got home today and had a card in the mail. It was from my my mom's cousins from California (my 2nd cousins but I always have thought of them as my aunt and uncle). Surprised to see it was just for me and not the whole family, I opened it right away.

Enclosed I found a check written for $2,500 with a note that said, "We know paying for college is hard and we hope this can help. We know you are going to do great things in the future and can't wait to see you grow.

Speechless.

How do I tell someone how important of a gift this is? A letter seems to insignificant. A phone cal? I would trip over my words, and end it not feeling satisfied. What if they don't know how much this means to me?

This is not the first time I've been on the receiving end of mind blowing generosity.

Once, an anonymous donor paid for me to attend a mission trip in Montana.
A stranger bought me dinner after my basketball tournament when she saw I was alone and had no money.
A guy in a restaurant heard it was my birthday and bought my whole group of friend's meal.
My friend drove 2 hours with me when looking at a vehicle to make sure I wasn't getting ripped off.

Time and time again I am shown generosity beyond comprehension.

It leaves me feeling grateful, overwhelmed, awe inspired, a little uncomfortable and sort of confused.

Why me? I am not deserving of such kindness. Someone else could make such better use of these unbelievable gifts. However, I will continue to push myself so that they do not go wasted. Every time I feel like giving up or that it is not worth it, I remember people like my cousins, who believe in me so much that they want to help out in the most generous way possible.

I just.... I don't know. I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with the words I put down when trying to describe this feeling of immense gratitude I have right now.

I guess I'll just end with a simple, insignificant, unsophisticated two words that do not do the situation justice but it's all I have.

To all the people in my life who have shown me unconditional generosity:

Thank you.

My Faith (sort of) Restored in Faith

I went to church today at my home church. I had forgotten what it was like to walk into a place of God and fell truly welcomed and loved.

We arrived 10 minutes before service started and were late to sitting down because we were too busy saying hellos to all of the people in the lobby. The service began as normal and the sermon started. It was titled, "Being Alone on Christmas" and was all about feeling alone (which you probably could have inferred). Pastor Bruce went on to talk about the importance of the church family. He described how we need to come together to support each other and love them no matter what they are going through. The words were hitting a place so close to home. I have not felt a part of a faith family since I left home. I have not felt welcomed or loved by my faith community at school. This has made me feel distance from God because I've never had to go in it alone. My church at home is all the things I was craving at school; a fun, caring, supportive, loving environment to grow in faith. You have questions/doubts/worries? Good, lets talk about them. Let's work them out together.

After the service was over, it took us 25 minutes to leave. So many people were coming over to me to welcome me home for the holidays. It made me feel so incredibly loved and happy to be there. I cannot wait to go back next week. I haven't been excited about attending a religious function in months.

So I can't say I'm healed. I can't say all my doubts from earlier are gone. I am still in the worst spot spiritually I have ever been but it is a step in the right direction.

Thank you OUMC. Thank you for giving me the spark I needed to try and figure things out.

Witnessing a Miracle

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”

I have been stewing over those post for a while. I don't know if I will ever be able to put into words what I am thinking and feeling.

In a short period of time, this is the man who changed my life forever. I don't know how to put it into words without ruining it so if you want to know more, just ask.

Thankfulness Week 3.0

1. Dinner and Tonic - Sol - Fa with Auntie Carrie
2. Breakfast with Josie and Abby
3. Dinner with Samuel, Maria and Josie
4. LLC Reunion dinner
5. "Face to face" with my parents
6. Secret Santa
7. School almost being over

This week, I was reminded what amazing people I have in my life and how blessed I am to be loved so much.

Saying Goodbye

"Hey, you're okay. You'll be fine. Just breathe" he sang, soothingly.

"How much time left?" she asked, panic rising in her chest, hoping it wouldn't show on her tear streaked face.

Knowing her obsession with counting down, he looked at her lovingly and replied, "Don't worry, I'll tell you when it's time."

He generously watched the clock so she didn't have to, he was strong when she couldn't be.

They continued to reminisce, recounting times so wonderful, they had to smile.

The airport was bustling with people but she felt like they were the only ones there. She was so completely absorbed with him, lost in the moment and not wanting it to end. But it had to. Everything ends.

After pulling out his phone, he looked up at her, "It's time."

She started sobbing, shaking her head. "It can't be. I'm not ready yet!" she screamed in her head. Her thoughts were racing, she wasn't ready to go, it couldn't be time yet. He quickly reassured her, "It's okay. We just have to go to the shuttle area, we still have a little bit."

Breathe.

Just Breathe.

It'll be okay, just breathe.

With that, he grabbed her hand and led her upstairs, whispering comforts the entire time. "It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay."

She couldn't get the words out to check in, so he did it for her.

"We're leaving in 13 minutes" The driver said.

After checking into the shuttle, they headed back to the seats. This time, she curled up in his lap, wanting to feel the safety of his arms one last time.

Talk got more frantic, it was no longer memories, it was goodbyes, fleeting, trying to say everything before time ran out.

"You're an amazing person"
"You deserve the best"
"You're going to find someone amazing, and they are going to treat you way better than I ever could, and I can't wait to hear all about him/her"

"You can take that necklace off when you find someone else."

"I don't want to"

"It's okay"

"I'm going to miss you"

"You changed my life"

"Thanks for being my miracle"

Tap on the shoulder. "We're leaving"

Sobbing now.

Everything's a blur.

"Can you come outside with me?"

Wrapped in his hug.

Feeling him cry harder than ever before.

Untangling, walking away.

Did she kiss him one last time? Did she say she say "I love you" before she left?

SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER.

Looking back, his hands in his hair, his face broken.

Her fault.

Just keep walking.

Time to go.

Breathe.

Might never see him again.

Love him.

WALKING AWAY.

breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.breathe.

Out the window, he's standing, signaling one last time that he loves her.

Blowing her one last kiss, so she can have one for next time.

She sits there, weeping.

Other passengers staring.

Bus driver loading.

Driving away.

LEAVING HIM THERE.

Further away.

Further, further, further, further.

Gone.

Over.

she left him.

how...

how could she leave him...

I can't get this out of my head. All I see are these images. How could he be so strong for me? So selfish of me to not be better.braver.stronger for him. How could I walk away from him? How did I say goodbye?

Thankfulness 2.0

I wanted to write this yesterday but yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. My mind was blank, I could not think of a single positive emotion. Today has not been much better but the people around me have been so unbelievably kind, they have helped me be thankful.

1. Josie's letter
2. Michelle's hug
3. James's hug
4. Luke wrapping me in a hug
1. Even though he hates hugs
5. Notes from Dani
6. Brownies from Dani and Emily
7. Abby sitting with me in my room
8. A text from my dad, minutes after I left the airport
1. fathers who remember when their daughters are going to need them most
9. My mom calling 
10. Skipping my 8 AM
1. Sleeping in
2. Alone time to regroup before facing the day and the world
11. Lovely Facebook comments from so many people
12. Messages from Malcolm 
1. Remembering that he can/will still be a big part of my life
13. Holiday Dinner
14. The photo booth at the Holiday Dinner
1. Roomie pictures
2. Blow up Kangaroos with an Australian cape
15. Josie
1. Being able to make me laugh when I feel like crying
16. Getting packages
1. Even though they are just the Christmas presents I bought
17. My butterfly
18. My globe
19. Secret Santa's
20. My heart necklace
21. Malcolm's "trackie dacks"
22. My "I <3 you" film strip
23. Pictures in general
24. Memories
25. Malcolm

Thankfulness Week 1.3

1. Christmas shopping
2. Panera
1. Warmth
2. Cinnamon Crunch bagels
3. Memories
3. Only one car handle breaking off
4. John wooing
5. Stairwell talks
6. It's St. Nick's day today
7. Abby and her kind words
8. Caitlyn
1. Lobby talks
9. Warm, comfy clothes
10. Gameboy phone covers
11. Waking up from a bay dream and realizing it wasn't  true

Things I'm Thankful for Week 1.2

Things I'm currently thankful for:

1. Turtle flash drives
2. Not crying when I got hit in the face with a volleyball
3. Lying next to Malcolm for 15 minutes before class starts
4. RHA Execs
5. Being productive
6. Time to have lunch with James
7. This picture
1. Puns
8. Helpful people in the Financial Aid Office
9. Not having to worry about registration right now

Things I am Thankful For Week 1.1

After what happened yesterday it is hard to be in the thankful mood but now more than ever it is important for me to take time to see the positives and things that are going right and good and things I have to be thankful for.

Today I am thankful for :

1. My dad driving up to have dinner with me
2. Peace Tea
3. The weather channel
1. Discussing the weather channel with Malcolm
4. Cameras to capture memories
5. Time - no matter how much of it
6. Inside jokes
7. The beauty of snow
8. My Wellness of the Past paper
9. A boss that lets me not come into work
10. The show Survivor 
11. Crocheting 
12. Disney Movies
13. Hot Chocolate that soothes my sore throat
14. Generosity
15. Getting a nice booth in the Blugold Living Room
16. Having a roommate I can vent to and laugh with
17. Feeling like I didn't fail my Linguistics Quiz
18. Mornings I can sleep in
19. Cyber Monday where I can complete almost all of my Christmas shopping
20. Heat

Things I am Thankful for Week 1.0

In case you didn't read my last blog post, I am going to be posting at least once a week a list of things that I am currently thankful for. Read this for an explain why.


This week I am thankful for...

1. Family being all together
2. Home cooked meals
3. Moms who take care of you when you're sick
4. Being able to have Malcolm here for Thanksgiving
5. A family that welcomes everyone with open arms
6. Breaking Bad
7. Family game nights
8. Clair
9. Spending time with Steph
10. Being employed
11. Coworkers who are nice
12. A friendly work environment 
13. My CoK family
14. Snap chats
15. Mocha
16. Sleeping in
17. My bed
18. My brother being with someone who makes him so happy
19. Trampolines
1. a boyfriend who will jump on them with me even when its dark and freezing
20. Friends who help each other out
21. Laughter
22. Having so many important people in my life that I don't have time to see all of them
1. turning negatives into positive
23. Alexandra
24. Girl talk
25. My new ring
26. Black Friday shopping with Talle and Malcolm
27. Adventure
28. Waking up to hot breakfast
29. Free laundry
30. Hot cocoa
31. NyQuil
32. DayQuil 
33. Having a close relationship with Uncle Scott
34. Being able to drive
35. Moving on
36. Siblings
37. Old photographs
38. Holding Hadley
1. I could giver her back when she started crying
39. The Packers
40. Vlogbrothers

Thanksgiving Thankfulness

I have been pondering this post for quite some time not wanting to write it for fear that it would be an inadequate reflection of my appreciation for all that I have. After contemplating it more, I realized how silly that is. I shouldn't need to prove my thankfulness through words. In fact, if I have to do so, I am clearly not thankful for it because others should know, through my actions not my words, what is important to me.

What I really want/need to do more of, is taking time to see how blessed I am. Everyday there are little reminders of how lucky I am to have what I have. I think its important to remember them daily instead of once a year because it is Thanksgiving.

So going along with this post, I have decided that at least once I a week I will write a post listing things that  I am currently thankful for. I hope this will help me remember to appreciate the small things in life and also be a reminder that no matter what, I have so much to be thankful for. I also hope that this will inspire me to show my thankfulness to those that I think of each week. It is easy for their deeds to go unnoticed and unthanked but if I take the time to consciously think about all those who make my life so great, hopefully I will make the effort to let them know how much it matters to me.