Things That Have Been On My Mind

1. Rabe’s al-Adiwaya, a great woman saint of Sufism, was seen running through the streets of her hometown, Basra, carrying a torch in one hand a bucket of water in the other. When someone asked her what she was doing, she answered, “I am going to take this bucket of water and pour it on the flames of hell, and then I am going to use this torch to burn down the gates of paradise so that people will not love God for want of heaven or fear of hell, but because He is God.

I read this in a book last year and it is something I'm still trying to work through. I don't know which category I fall under. Do I believe in God for the hope of a future in this mysterious, paradise called heaven or because I truly believe in him as a higher being in which I want to praise. I fluctuate between how I define myself. Sometimes I think I believe because it is easy and it is a safety net. Other times I believe so fervently in God, that I feel like I radiate his goodness. 

I think what I am really trying to figure out is if I want to be associated with the bigotry and hypocrisy that occurs under the name of God. I don't know if it is worth the constant struggle.

2. Home is not a place but rather a feeling

Malcolm said this in one of our many rounds of the question game. At first I thought it was weird way to look at home. I've always just seen it as the place a person grew up or a place where your family is. After thinking on it a little more, I've come to the conclusion that I think I like this definition of home a lot. It makes sense. Maybe I have only associated home with the typical places because those are the only places I feel comfortable enough to truly consider it home. I am going to pay more attention to decide if I do feel "home" in other places or situations.

3. You can't change what you cannot confront

This may be obvious to people who know me but I struggle with confronting things that are bothering me. I have a hard time admitting to myself that I have problems, let alone to other people. I hate not being okay or needing help and this why I have a hard time admitting things need change because this could lead to me having to ask for help. This is something I am working on fixing. Change is constructive and a good thing.

4. Don't think of cost. Think of value. 

I hate spending money. It limits what I allow myself to do but memories are worth more than money. I fear I miss out on making memories because I am too fearful to shell out.

5. You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep rereading your last one

I never want to forget the past because it has made me into the person I am today. I want to let go of the past because it only hinders my experiences in the present. Dwelling on things I cannot change does not help me grow as a person. Dwelling on what could've been, what should've been, what ifs and other questions only limit what I can achieve now. I need to do better and be better but not worry about what I wasn't before.